My, that's a big banana you have there, mister...

And of course these aren't really sweet bananas; these are Musa Balbisiana, or common plantains.

What's the difference betwixt and between bananas and plantains, you ask? Well, if you'd paid attention in that first-year AgSci class, you'd know that both common names are in fact somewhat amorphous terms of convenience -- like when we call the people we work with "friends", for example -- and really refer to two rather broad categories of the same fruit. The relevant differences are that bananas have a higher sugar content than plantains (up to 20% vs 4-6% for plantains) and plantains are never consumed raw.

One cooks plantains as one would cook potatoes, essentially. Thus we may list such methods as steaming, mashing, deep-frying, baking, and poorly. My lovely wife has a specialty that she picked up during her time at the embassy in Santiago.

Erika's Fried Plantains

• 2-3 plantains, depending
• vegetable oil for shallow frying
• salt -- use Diamond Kosher for best results
• patience and a willingness to curse

This last ingredient is perhaps the most relevant... and least common. Plantains are by their nature annoyingly recalcitrant fruits. Unlike their overly-sweet cousins, who too-willingly expose their creamy interiors for anyone with a thrusting finger or rounded blade, a plantain requires firmness of purpose, strong hand strength and a sharp knife.

The best solution is to slice off both ends, score a line down the length, and then firmly -- yet without bruising -- disrobe the treasure inside.

Once you have successfully revealed the interior, you must slice the plantain into rounds. How thick you cut is up to your skill and/or preference, but 1/8th of an inch is a good starting point. Do not measure this. This is cooking, not engineering.

Heat a few seconds worth of oil in a nice thick cast iron pan. If you have poor wrist strength from, for example, all those years of tying political prisoners to wooden chairs with baling wire, you may instead use a crepe pan or something less weighty. When the oil is smiling and loose, add plantain slices. Crowd the pan if you like.

Flip one after a few minutes. If it's crispy brown around the edges, flip the rest. You may instead need to wait -- patience is a virtue, after all -- because under-cooked plantain is like raw potato. Once the other side is done, turn out onto paper towels to drain a few seconds and then season deeply with a great bloody pinch of salt. Eat at once, preferably with an ice cold hoppy beer (like Cannery Brewing IPA), Pisco Sours, or simply ice water.